annenayne

Someone cleaned the bathtub this morning. I'm not naming names, but I will admit that the person who cleaned the bathtub was not me.

The toilet gets a good scrubbing ... by me. The kitchen gets a good disinfecting ... by me. And it's a well-known fact (which means at least seven people know this) that I throw out my back every time I clean the bathtub.

This household has been at a silent tub-cleaning standoff for months. It's one of those little things that go unspoken but eat away at your soul every day. Kind of like the useless you-didn't-call-me-when-you-were-going-to-be-late-why-should-you-expect-me-to-call standoff, only less emotionally charged and more long-lasting.

So imagine my surprise when I sat in bed this morning contemplating my daily "is 11 am too early to continue my personal OC DVD marathon or should I wait until noon" dilemma (with that annoying voice in the back of my head trying to scream "GET A JOB!" through the ball gag I put in it six weeks ago) and noticed the tub water running at odd intervals. Running .... off. Running .... off. Running .... off. Then the faintest of sounds, the scritch scritch scritch of the rough end of a sponge on something that vaguely resembles porcelain.

The sound of running water in the morning makes me have to pee. I'm relatively certain that this unspoken affliction affects a large percentage of our population. So when the shower started up, I went in and asked, "What made you want to clean the tub?"

Reply: "It needed it." As if I hadn't noticed the giant black ring around the base of the tub. But I let it go; the tub did need cleaning, and I didn't have to do it.

When all was said and done, unsaid person went off to work and I had resumed my place on the couch (to fold laundry, I swear, and accidentally turned the DVD player on).  And soon, the need to visit the restroom revisited me.

And then my real personality took over. Not the nice one that says, "Yay, someone else cleaned the tub!" The one that looks at the tub and notices that only the bottom had been cleaned. The sides, while not disgusting, were completely dingy. And my true colors screamed "I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE!"

But you know what I did? I went back to my laundry and the OC.

And so the standoff continues.

"Is this call about something important? Because I've really found that taking a call from home while my psychiatrist has a standing reservation for me in the ER doesn't do any of us any good."

"Well, YEAH, I talk about you in therapy."

"Of course my birth control works! I've tried at least ten, so now I'm positive that I've finally found the right one."

Liev Schreiber
David Tennant
John Cusack
Robert Downey, Jr.
Caddyshack-era Chevy Chase (but Jason Lee will do in a pinch)

Most posts, I write them on my phone, or in Notepad, or whatever, and I paste them into LJ.

But now I'm angry.

So you know what? Fire me. Ask me for an explanation. Talk to my supervisor. But please. This looking over my shoulder thing? It has to stop. I am accountable for every step of my day. Stop checking on me via my coworkers (especially the ones that aren't my supervisor anymore).

I used to love to come here.

USED to.

Carrie Prejean.

You know what? She's 21. And she answered a difficult question honestly.

I don't agree with her. I'd love for her to change her mind.

But she was honest. That's what she believes. She's wrong got the right to her opinion, she's 21, maybe one day she will choose a different stance on the subject of gay marriage, but for now, can't we just leave her alone?

Seriously. When did beauty pageants become a platform for politically correct pontificating? When did vigilant liberals start caring about beauty pageants? Where did you lean when Vanessa Williams had to give up her crown? America is lovely because we're diverse, whether you like the diversity or not, we have the right to it. So please. Ignore it, move on. She's not a senator. She does not represent us in Congress. She's a girl made famous by being pretty.

Let's stop making her a pawn for an agenda. Let's not be that petty.

I'm not adding a cut. Sorry. I wouldn't know where to put it. All of my answers are relevant. How could I possibly decide where to put a cut? The four of you who read my blog will simply have to deal.

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
Yes, but I wasn't holding.

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?
If you're going to close your eyes on a roller coaster, go ride Star Tours. Same sensation, plus Number Nine! NO DISASSEMBLE STEPHANIE! Wait what was I talking about?

3. When's the last time you've been sledding?
I think it was about 31 years ago. And I am not sure that I was on the sled. I wanted to on a trip to Reno, but it was darn near impossible to find a place to do it, and the snow was sparse and not fresh and blah blah.

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
Someone else. I have realistic nightmares something terrible and appreciate that I can test reality with another human being.

5. Do you believe in ghosts?
Ghosts scare me and I'm pretty sure that one is living under my bed. I hate ghosts. They're spooky. And I don't respond well to spooky behavior (get in on that at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXAxvnm_IuQ ).

6. Do you consider yourself creative?
I get by with my IS THAT FABRIC ON SALE? Bento! ... What?

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
Probably, but it seems that I was wrong about Jean Benet and Gary Conditt, so I'm open to being wrong. But yes, I believe that he was responsible if not the actual killer. Then again, wookies live on Endor. So whatever. He's not coming to dinner at my house, that's all I know.

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
Jen. I think Angie's going down the crazy brick road.

9. Can you honestly say you know ANYTHING about politics?
Yes, I can. Honestly. Do I know a lot? No. But I know stuff. Scary stuff. You don't even wanna know.

10. Do you know how to play poker?
Why, is there a card stuck to my forehead? Hit me. I fold.

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
My god. The colors!

12. What's your favorite commercial?
Thanks Easter Bunny! BAWK BAWK!

13. Who was your first love?
Richard, pre-school. I think he died in a car crash when I was in high school. Very sad. Moving on.

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around you, do you run a red light?
Well, if I'm riding my bike at any time of day or night, I will absolutely run a red light if no one's around. Would I do that in a car? Maybe. Depends on whether I'm in the country or the city, I think. City, probably not, because I'd do it and then WOOOOO a cop would come out of nowhere and I'd probably have wine on my breath but not be drunk because I'd never drive drunk and it would take me like forever to get home after clearing the road tests. And really, who wants that? Might as well have waited for the light at that point. But in the country? Yeah, I might. And by country, you betcher sweet bottom that I mean Tracy. Because good lord, TRACY.

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?
Mmmmmmmaybe.

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
Yankees, if only to spite that guy I dated in college. YES, YOU. AND YES, I DID BACK OUT OF THAT CONCERT BECAUSE YOU WERE SINGING IN IT. DOUCHE. I'm over that, though.

17. Have you ever been Ice Skating?
Yeah! We were lucky to have a rink in my hometown, and there was another one just a short bus ride away (Fashion Island, anyone?). It was surprisingly popular in the Bay Area when I was growing up.

18. How often do you remember your dreams?
I always remember a lot about the recurring ones. Others I only tend to remember when I get that deja vu feeling. You know? Where you're all, "Whoa. I totally dreamed about this moment. I think."

19. What's the one thing on your mind?
THE one thing. Um. When I'm done with this I may need to use the restroom. Mmmm, pickles. Why are mangoes so difficult to work with? I love sparkly water. Should I try this 5-hour Energy drink? I can't choose.

20. Do you always wear your seat belt?
Yes. It's instinctive. LAMB forever.

21. What talent do you wish you had?
OOooooh. Hm. Organizing! Decorating! HELP.

22. Do you like Sushi?
Put it in my mouth, please. But please be a dear and scrape the fish eggs off first.

23. What do you wear to bed?
Chanel no. 5. Hahahaha. I crack myself up. No really. I like soft, comfortable things. I don't usually wear sleeves to bed. Pants, it depends.

24. Do you truly hate anyone?
Not specifically, but there are definitely a few people on my "I'm SO done with you" list. I'm lookin' at you, #16.

25. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?
The one that loved me most of all. Or Lloyd Dobbler, but frankly I'm getting the age where that might be creepy, and besides, they tell me that he's not real. Where's the blue fairy when you need her? MAKE HIM A REAL BOY!

26. Do you know anyone in jail?
I don't know whether he's still incarcerated or not. Don't care.

27. What food do you find disgusting?
Poultry. (Did you want something funny? Sorry. Because seriously, chicken freaks me right the fuck out. Especially the dark meat.)

28. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
My friends? Nothing I wouldn't say to their face. ... I'm not very popular.

29. Have you ever been punched in the face?
Yes! TINA. I'm looking at you, you horrible child. Are you a horrible adult? You were a super mean kid.

30. Do you believe in angels and demons?
I don't want to commit to a yes or know on this one. I'm agnostic? What's the angels/demons version of agnostic? That's what I am.

Peter Sagal's recent blog post regarding gay marriage tickled me greatly.

I was going to post something about yesterday, but I mistook "Square Root Day" for "Square Pegs Day" and spent most of my afternoon web-stalking Amy Linker.

Lauren: "Listen. I've got this whole high school thing psyched out. It all breaks down into cliques."

Patty: "Cliques?"

Lauren: "Yeah, you know. Cliques. Little in-groups of different kids. All we have to do is click with the right clique, and we can finally have a social life that's worthy of us."

Patty: "No way! Not even with cleavage."

Lauren: "I tell you, this year we're going to be popular."

Patty: "Yeah?"

Lauren: "Yeah. Even if it kills us."

Anyway, here's little post I wrote in 2005 on my MySpace blog. In honor of National Grammar Day, I'm reposting it here.

- The possessive form of it:
I love the swirly pattern in my bouncy ball, that is its best feature.

IT'S - A contraction for, or shorter way of saying, it is:
I hate that bouncy ball because it smells like it's made of skunk butt (and not in a good way).

YOUR - The possessive form of you:
I love your bouncy ball, it smells like orange blossoms.

YOU'RE - A contraction for, or shorter way of saying, you are:
I think you're pretty cool because you like bouncy balls, too.

THERE - At or in that place:
My bouncy ball went over there where I can't reach it; can you help me get it back?

THEIR - The possessive form of they:
I am disturbed because they are all playing with their bouncy balls, even though they all know that I lost mine.

THEY'RE - A contraction for, or shorter way of saying, they are:
See?!  They're still doing it, even though they know it makes me sad!

WHOSE - The possessive form of who:
Hey, I found a bouncy ball!  Whose is it?

WHO'S - A contraction for, or shorter way of saying, who is:
If no one claims the bouncy ball, I'm keeping it; who's with me?

All I have to say about that is Jindal's response sounded a lot to me like the drunk guy perched outside my doorstep with a handful of half-wilted daisies he picked from my neighbor's garden yelling, "We're sorry. Sort of. We're just hoping that you won't be mad at us anymore. You're so PRETTY. We're sorry and you're so PRETTY. And you have to admit, we're sort of right. And come on, it was FUNNY. Can we come back inside now?"

I just check out.

It's easier to justify anger than it is to justify apathy. The kicker to that cocktail is that I'm not apathetic. I care. I just can't seem to convince my body of it. Willing spirit, weak flesh? Maybe.

Freida Pinto is beautiful. She's classy. She always seems to be genuinely enjoying herself at awards ceremonies. Slumdog Millionaire was a great movie.

But seriously.

Freida Pinto.

Am I the only one who things of refried beans every time I see her name?

I will not blog about my job. I will not blog about my job.
I will not blog about my job. I will not blog about my job.
I will not blog about my job. I will not blog about my job.
I will not blog about my job. I will not blog about my job.
I will not blog about my job. I will not blog about my job.
I will not blog about my job. I will not blog about my job.
I will not blog about my job. I will not blog about my job.
I will not blog about my job. I will not blog about my job.
I will not blog about my job. I will not blog about my job.
I will not blog about my job. I will not blog about my job.
I will not blog about my job. I will not blog about my job.

Until I figure out how to post more private-like.

Fun with the Inaguration Speech Generator.

Barack Obama's Inauguration Speech
My fellow Americans, today is a compact day. You have shown the world that "hope" is not just another word for "radiation", and that "change" is not only something we can believe in again, but something we can actually flail.

Today we celebrate, but let there be no mistake – America faces glossy and shiny challenges like never before. Our economy is dirty. Americans can barely afford their mortgages, let alone have enough money left over for elephants. Our healthcare system is gritty. If your elbow is sick and you don't have insurance, you might as well call a director. And America's image overseas is tarnished like a inhaler bike. But blowing together we can right this ship, and set a course for Katmandu.

Finally, I must thank my warped family, my twisted campaign volunteers, but most of all, I want to thank Senate for making this historic occasion possible. Of course, I must also thank you, President Bush, for years of genuflecting the American people. Without your lost efforts, none of this would have been possible.

Watch the formation carefully.

You've been gone for three weeks!

I know! However did the three of you entertain yourselves?

I went on a cruise, which accounts for the first week away. First time, ever! I have a coworker who LOVES going on cruises, even swears that there's no better way to relax. I suspect that the real reason she loves them is that she gets to leave her kid, seven dogs and annoying room mate at home and she never has to clean anything. I don't have dogs, or a kid, or an annoying room mate, and I rarely clean anyway.

( If you're the kind of person who loves to read about other peoples' vacations, there's more over here! )

How many pairs of shoes does one need on a cruise? So many questions! So much packing to do! I can't take the pressure.

There's nothing like constantly looking over your shoulder and trying to figure out who's talking about you to really spice up your work life.

Seriously, get a life.

Red Dwarf on demand.

I'm on the couch until my sick time wears off if anyone needs me.

Helena Bonham Carter was terribly miscast in Sweeney Todd.

There's a Diet Coke in the office fridge. I think it's mine, but I'm not sure. No one ever really labels their stuff in the fridge.

It's been in there for, like, a week.

I kind of want it, but I'm not sure what the proper ettiquette is.

Take it and leave a note on the door? "I think that the Diet Coke I took was mine, but I'm not sure. If it was yours, I'm sorry. Let me know. I'll make it up to you." Except, see, the can's been in there for a while, so maybe it's, like, someone's emergency caffeine pick-me-up. I don't want to disappoint anyone. How could I make it up to that person in the moment? We have a bottled soda machine, but it's Pepsi. What if the person is a die-hard Coke fan? (I'm not - I rarely drink cola, even.)

There are too many people who use our fridge for me to ask around.

Maybe I'll just leave it be, for now. This decision is bigger than me. I'm not ready to tackle it.